One of the funniest memes of the day read: “How many of you people gonna cash them checks from ‘not my president.’ I think that’s funny but the ‘liberal elites,’ the humorless dems and a wispy group of snowflakes got all twisted up; brothers and sisters, until you learn to lighten up and to let the waters of life roll off like a duck’s back, your acid will eat its container. I am not going to fall prey to the Legion of the Miserable so if you want to politicize each and everything, somebody or some ‘something’ is going to break your heart every day.
I am begging you that every time you find yourself angry at some trivial meme or a political joke, immediately call an older friend and ask how they are doing, if you can run an errand, or fix the hole in their pasture’s fence. This isn’t the time for any of us to be mad or upset. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”
As our regular readers are aware, the Saturday Funnies are gleaned from the emails and jokes that arrive in our daily in-basket. This week we have added more videos, five that are perfectly fine to watch with a child in your lap and the sixth about a pair of brothers who use the coronavirus as a platform for their pranks. With the arrival of Spring yesterday, we’ll start with a story that originated in USA Today this week that describes the differences in allergies, the flu and the coronavirus before some funny stuff:
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THE DIFFERENCE IN CORONAVIRUS AND ‘PRETENDERS’
With trees blooming and grass growing, the start of the allergy season is upon us and there is still the regular flu, colds, and strep throats being seen by our physicians. Dr. Maria Granzotti, the Chief Medical Officer in Ascension, Texas, described the differences in symptoms:
ALLERGIES — Runny nose (wet), Sneezing, Red swollen eyes, Itchy eyes, Itchy nose, Tickle in the throat, Rarely a fever
COMMON COLD — Runny nose (wet), Sneezing, Sore throat, Aches and pains, Mild dry cough, Rarely a fever
STREP THROAT – Sore throat, painful swallowing, fever
FLU – Fever, dry cough, Quick onset, Headache, Sore throat, Fatigue, Sometimes a runny nose, Sometimes diarrhea
NEW CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) — Shortness of breath, Fever (above 100 degrees), Dry cough, Gradual onset (two to 14 days after onset), Sometimes headache, Sometimes aches and pains, Mild sneezing, Sometimes fatigue, but it’s not predominate like the flu, Diarrhea is rare
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‘MOM’S PANTRY RULES’ BRING PRAISES
The public has fallen in love with a note one home-bound mom posed on the door of her kitchen pantry. Of course it has gone viral, in what Fox News described as “the snarky way one parent has combated her children’s attempts to snack during self-isolation, or, as she puts it, “Coronavirusgedden.” (as in Armageddon)
1. Nobody goes in the pantry without ASKING first. No willy nilly pantry visits allowed!
2. Do not open a new box of cereal until the old, opened boxes are eaten and gone.
3. You better have eaten a piece of fruit, a vegetable or a yogurt before you reach for anything in here,” the note continues, before getting to the final — and most extreme of the rules.
4. If anyone touches or eats my CADBURY EGGS, you’re going to wish you had Coronavirus and died.”
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According to Fox News, the viewer reactions were priceless …
“The pantry rules quickly received thousands of positive reactions from those in the Mum Central mom’s group, with many parents claiming they need their own set for their household.
“And don’t use my flour, sugar and eggs for unnecessary baking,” one added.
“Point 4 needs to be in size 100 font for me,” another wrote.
“Please read point 4. More than once. K thanks,” another commented, with a laugh-cry emoji.
“Might print this out,” another commented on Facebook.
“Love this,” one simply wrote. While another commented “This is me,” followed by a laugh-cry emoji.
And then Fox added this …
For those parents who need an extra break from pantry threats, Burger King in the United States has announced the chain will be offering two free kids meals for every adult meal ordered via the chain’s website or mobile app. Might be enough to keep children away from the Cadbury Eggs – at least temporarily.
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DOES IT SEEM A BIT STRANGE TO YOU …
* — If a mentally-ill man pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.
* — Somehow it’s un-American for the census to count only how many Americans are in America.
* — Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegal immigrants voting in our elections are good.
* — It was cool for Joe Biden to blackmail the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquires about it.
* — Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.
* — Sexualizing children is bad, but 11-year-old drag queens are good.
* — Illegals aren’t required to show ID, but citizens can’t buy cough medicine without it.
* — Citizens are fined if they don’t buy their own health insurance, and then they are forced to buy it for illegals.
* — People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.
* — Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous, but harassing people in restaurants is virtuous.
* — People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for useless degrees.
* — Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.
* — Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.
* — $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for “free” health care for illegals is not.
* — If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.
* — Politicians who say that the President is not above the law put illegal immigrants above the law.
* — People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.
* — Illegals don’t pay taxes, but they get tax refunds.
* — We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.
* — Voter suppression is bad, but not allowing the President to be on the ballot is good.
* — Fourth-of-July parades are bad, but parades of women dressed as vaginas are good.
* — Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.
* — Criminals are catch-and-released to hurt more people but stopping them is bad.
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TWO BAD LITTLE KIDS START CUSSING
A 6-year old and a 4-year old are raking the yard.
The 6-year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started cussing.”
The 4-year old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with Hell and you say something with Ass.” (Believed by some to be permissible because both cuss words are in the Bible, yet have different definitions.)
The 4-year old agrees…. with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw Hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
He flies out of his chair; tumbles across the kitchen floor; gets up; and runs upstairs crying his eyes out….. with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom shuts the bedroom door behind him…. and in an angry voice shouts, “You think about what you just said … and you can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs; looks at the 4-year old; and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
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THIS WEEK’S FUNNIEST VIDEOS
NOTE: Due to the Coronavirus, The Saturday Funnies has expanded to include six videos this week, the first five suitable for children. But, be warned: No. 6 is a satire on the virus, which is intended to make people laugh in the face of the catastrophic disease. If using humor in the face of calamity offends you, please do not watch it. But if you want to see what my brothers and I used to do all the time as we terrorized everybody, here is what we thought was funny.
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REMEMBER THIS BIBLE VERSE IN THE DAYS TO COME
2 Corinthians 4:8-12 New International Version (NIV) — 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.